Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!
Harry: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
[to the dogs in his van]
Harry: OK gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.
Lloyd: All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt.
Harry: No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic-Oh check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
Harry: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Lloyd: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.
Lloyd: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets.
Harry: Hi, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Hi, Harry.
Harry: How was your day?
Lloyd: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.
Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
Harry: Skis, huh?
Beth: That's right!
Harry: Great! They yours?
Beth: Uh-huh.
Harry: Both of 'em?
Beth: Yes.
Harry: Ah... cool!
Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"
[Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel]
Harry: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little fillie break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
Lloyd: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy.
Lloyd: Excuse me, Flo?
[Harry and Lloyd crack up]
Lloyd: Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
Flo, Waitress #1: It's the Soup of the Day.
Lloyd: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.
Lloyd: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Lady at bus stop: Austria.
Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop: Let's not.
Lloyd: This isn't my real job, you know.
Mary: No?
Lloyd: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
Mary: That's nice.
Lloyd: I got worms!
Mary: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.
Lloyd: Well suck me sideways!
Harry: Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.